This week I hit rock bottom. It happens to us all at one point or another. In some ways it's a relief when you get there. When you hit a low, there is something reassuring about the fact that things can only get better (as the song goes.) After a very monotonous term, swallowing one piece of work after another and then spitting them back out, like a factory machine, I found myself in one of the most stressful weeks of term, losing the will to go on. I had lots of deadlines approaching and it was my turn to give a presentation. Surprisingly though the low came after the deadline, not before. I had finished all of my work, delivered the dreaded presentation, but, unfortunately for me, none of my friends had. Not knowing what to do with myself, having finished all the set work for the week (that never happens!) I went back to the library with all my friends frantically finishing off their work. I sat there, feeling haggard, looking rough with that post-deadline bags-under-eyes-frizzy-hair-spaced-out-expression. I basically looked like the poster-girl for the "before" photo for a hair product ad. But I didn't want to go home, or watch TV or relax. What I wanted to was to do something crazy and wild. I needed to find some outlet for all the built-up adrenaline and stress after seven weeks of pumping out endless translations, essays and presentations. I wanted to do something out of the ordinary; ride a motorcycle, run into a field, go on a roller-coaster get drunk, scream, sing, anything to make the most of my (temporary) freedom and release the built up emotion. But, when I looked around all I found was other stressed faces, still focused, still working . I had no one to share my freedom/celebrate with me.
Of course, as sod's law goes, just as I was in this moment of low, I received a text from my ex. He was in a pub near college and wondered if I wanted to go an meet him. On the one hand this filled me with excitement - finally someone to celebrate my new-found freedom with - but then, I looked in them mirror and realized this was probably the worst state I would like to be in to socialize with lots of people, especially an ex-boyfriend. It would take me too long to cycle all the way home, shower and come back. So I though, what the hell, it doesn't matter what I look like, I can still have fun. As I walked into the pub I realized this was an absolute lie. Everyone else looked amazing. Perfectly preened, glowing complexions, dressed to party. I felt so inadequate. Feeling insecure has a huge impact on social skills- in a bad way. I quickly left feeling frustrated and with a massive blow to the self- esteem. I felt like spending seven weeks in the library had destroyed all my social skills. I had forgotten how to talk to people. I had lost my confidence. I had become quite and boring. Or at least, that's how I felt.I walked home and ranted to my housemate. At least he seemed to find my tale amusing. That night I decided this had to stop. I would never let that happen again. I showered (getting closer to resembling the "after photo" of the hair product ad again) and got an early night to restore my forces ready for the next day.
The next evening I challenged myself - I had to prove to myself that I hadn't lost social skills, that I could still have fun like normal students should! I got an invite to birthday cocktails, I only knew two people there, but I wouldn't let that stop me. Not this time. I made sure I was ready for it this time, none of this frizzy-hair,-bags-under-eyes-letting-yourself-go business. That night I had one of the funnest nights of term. It was girl night. I met a whole new circle of girls. We danced, we laughed, we made friends and I felt human again, I felt alive, I felt good.
I guess sometimes we just need to hit a low to be able to finally bounce back again.
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