The rest of the year followed a rather similar trend to the start to be honest although there were lots of highlights in there, like Torpids - which was incredibly fun - and my birthday. I got into the swing of things with the studying and in the end I got into quite a routine. By the end of Hilary term the library had become my second home and I stayed there until about 10pm every night, forgetting what a social life was for a while. I only went home for about 1 week in Easter and worked in Oxford throughout the vacation, hopping from one library to another, one more beautiful than the next. I even ventured into the Radcliffe Camera a few times, when I needed to go to a sacred place of wisdom for some extra inspiration. As exams drew closer, the pressure definitely started to hit and I did have a few serious wobbles, but I kept thinking about the end, and what would follow after.
When the exams actually started the real nightmare began. I had always imagined that once I had got one down I would just get into a rhythm and it would just fly bye. How wrong I was. After the first day of exams I was convinced I had already failed. I couldn't sleep or stop thinking about it and tormenting myself with it. I kept going through what had been asked and what I had written, trying to estimate if I might have managed to scrape a pass or not. I thought about it so much that by the end I couldn't even remember what I had written anymore. This made it very difficult to focus on the next exam and to keep going. The thought of rusticating even crossed my mind, until I decided I would rather fail and move on than have to go through another year like this. Plus there was always the tiny possibility that it maybe hadn't gone quite as badly as I had thought and I might have actually passed. Two weeks went on like this. Some exams I did feel better about, but by the end I had to learn not to think about them anymore once they were done as that only ever lead to a spiral of despair and self-doubt. After one week of exams some of my friends had already finished, I had to go and trash them and then cycle back to the library. I could smell the end, the freedom, the festivities. It was all so close and yet so far.
On the day of my final exam I couldn't even bring myself to eat anything. I couldn't waste any time as there was so little left I didn't want to regret having wasted any of it. I went to the little room in the library where I had set up camp in the final days, with my red carnation perched on the desk. I flicked through all of my files over and over. Dante Alighieri's Divine Comedy was my final paper; the story of a journey of ascent from the depths of hell to a vision of God in heaven. It was so fitting, it felt like there was a touch of fate on this pivotal moment in my life.
I came out of the exam, and felt like I was being realised from some mixed up reality TV show, knowing my family and friends, were waiting for me on the outside. All of the italianists walked out together like a band of brothers, each one only to aware of the great sense of importance about this moment. Everything went into a kind of slow motion as we slowly staggered out of the dark exams room and into the sunshine outside towards to crowds. Then everything sped up again and it was truly euphoric.
Those post-finals months were amazing. There were parties and nights out and walks in the park, days-out and dinners and guilt-free TV catch-ups! We even had the Queen's Ball to top it all off. It was just an absolute dream - just like heaven. It all payed off and we enjoyed the freedom all the more, knowing we had worked so hard for it. At the same time, the dark cloud of results was still left hanging over us for the first month. It was hard to talk to tutors without feeling slightly nervous or embarrassed that you may have failed their paper. The worst was the not knowing when they were coming....
Those post-finals months were amazing. There were parties and nights out and walks in the park, days-out and dinners and guilt-free TV catch-ups! We even had the Queen's Ball to top it all off. It was just an absolute dream - just like heaven. It all payed off and we enjoyed the freedom all the more, knowing we had worked so hard for it. At the same time, the dark cloud of results was still left hanging over us for the first month. It was hard to talk to tutors without feeling slightly nervous or embarrassed that you may have failed their paper. The worst was the not knowing when they were coming....
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